The Transporter Couch

This post has been brewing for a little while.

Sometimes I don’t know who I am. I know what my assets and liabilities are and what the cash flow looks like and what the daily activities are, but I don’t know who I am.

I know what I like and what I don’t like, and whom I like and whom I don’t like, and I can usually put my finger on why I do or don’t like someone or something.

Sometimes the challenges in my life help me define myself, but sometimes they’re just …. obstacles as I head recklessly toward equanimity.

I can have anything I want. I have the resources to have anything I want.

So…… I want very little.

I want people to be happy in my presence, and I seem to be good at making that happen.

Lately I’ve been feeling really beautiful, physically, emotionally, socially. I have lost a considerable amount of weight, my pants are falling off (which isn’t necessarily bad), and while I don’t gaze at myself in the mirror I never pass one without thinking “wow, that was a good looking guy.” I guess I’m just in awe at what engendered this…. because dammit I want to cultivate it! I love loving myself! I love charming people into submission! I love being liked! I love …. I don’t know. It’s some sort of power and maybe I like the power.

About a month ago I found, in a box (I didn’t save it on purpose or maybe I did) my driver’s license from when I was 20 years old and had just moved to Santa Fe. Ladies and Gentlemen, you NEVER saw a cuter boy than I was back then. Maybe finding that has jumpstarted me out of my midlife crisis. In fact, maybe it just alerted me that was in fact having one.

So I started off saying I didn’t know who I am, but perhaps, as I think about it, I am just learning who I am… at least, who I am today.